Tuesday, February 21, 2012

21.02.2012 ~ Unhappy marriage life


Everytime after quarrel with him, I will think of divorce. Some one told me that I should not have that kind of feeling as I am a Christian & was married in front of Our Lord. Another reason is I'm having children, and is not a good example for the young one. But I'm not happy ...

Think back - I was really making a wrong choice that spoil my life. Why I choose the wrong person to accompany me till the end of my life ? 

I'm not a good wife or good mother, but I try to be. 

When I was in pregnant, how he treat me ? gosh ... I was kicked by him due to a very minor thing. I still remember until now. That day, I was preggy around 6 months. My brother came and ask me go for a breakfast. At that moment, he was in sleeping mode due to watching the live soccer match yesterday night. I whispered at his ear that I go out to have breakfast, but I will bring back some for you later. I still remember that time is around 9am. The he replied: "emm".

After 10 minutes later, he called me ... then started to score me. "Why you don't wait for me ? You so hungry is it ? Come back now !" I was shocked. My brother asked me what happen and I said nothing. Then after finish my breakfast, I buy one for him. Reach home, he scored me like I'm brainless. I told him that because I saw you watched live match and I don't know what time you sleep, so, I decided not to wake you up for breakfast. He so angry with me till he scored me with rude words. I am so depressed that time. Am I really wrong ? I said sorry to him but it was unacceptable. I scared and keep asking for forgiveness, and was rejected. Till he kicked me ... gosh ... I was pregnant that time. How come he treat me like that ?
Then he forced me to go back to his home town. I don't want to follow and he just step out.

I cried and feel so hopeless ..... I called my sister and told her what had happened. She was so angry and she immediately came to my house look for me. She came with her husband, and they both very angry with him. He came back after 30 minutes, and he shocked when saw my sister was there waiting for him. My sister asked why he kicked me ? do you know she is pregnant ? what's make you so angry till you kicked her ? Did she killed your parents ?? 

He kept quite ... but never said sorry to me. He packed his stuff and go back to his home town. I was heart broken !

That was the first incident but totally broke my heart with him. Even few years later, I was pregnant again but my love with him is close to fade ... 

I told myself, I got 2 child and that is enough for me. Even I might divorce with him one day, I still have my 2 children. There is a lot of bad memories that make me feel sick with him. I don't love him any more. He is my child's father, not my husband. 

Close to 14 years I know this person but his real face only show up last few years. I can said is after married with him, his real face slowly came out and until now ... feel bad with him. I'm totally regret to marry with this guy.

Have you ever see a couple that have nothing to chat even sit inside a car ?
Did you prefer to have breakfast alone ?
Conversation between a wife and a husband only last for 5 minutes ??
Everytime talk about money, he sure will said I don't have extra money, if you want you buy yourself
Blame you for traffic jam ?? come on, is not in my control isn't it ??
If you forget to bring out certain items, he will show you the angry face and said something bad to you ?
But if he forget, you cannot blame him. If you do blame him, you will get hurt by his rude words.
When he got intention to buy new thing, he will ask you to buy the old thing from him ... So that he can have money to buy thing.
When you sick, you still have to take care children ! You cannot have a rest and you will heard some heart broken words if rest too long.

Honestly, I'm tired with all of these ...... I want to quit this marriage life but I can't. I have 2 child and I have to think of their feeling. 

I pray to Lord for helping me ... make me stronger in both physical & mental. I hope Lord help to strengthen my financial way. I need a stable and good pay job. I wish my employer notice my hard work and increase my salary from time to time. I wan't to be financial independent and not rely on him. 

No comments:

Post a Comment