给我的爸爸 ~ 2013.07.10

我出生的地方，叫王麻骨。是一个平平无奇的小镇。我们家是开杂货店，我们是和伯伯家人一起住。所以，小时候的我们，几乎每天都热热闹闹，大呼小叫的。

爸爸，他给我的印象就是沉默，有威严的父亲。爸爸从来不会骂我们， 如果我们做错了，他会和我们讲道理。那时，我很少和爸爸对话。

我是家中排行最小，当哥哥姐姐们都长大了，每个人都到亚庇工作。那时，就剩下我和爸爸妈妈，伯伯，伯娘，大堂哥在店里。

记得有一次，我和隔壁家小孩玩。然后，我回家。那小孩的婆婆忽然去我们的店里找她的孙。其实，那小孩一直在他自己店里。可能是他婆婆没注意到他在另一个角落，就到我们店里骂。 后来，那婆婆也不好意思。可是，那一次， 爸爸却打了我，说我丢脸。我很怕！

我是家里唯一一个被爸爸打，骂的人。感觉爸爸不喜欢我。所以那时侯开始，我更加少和爸爸有互动。

在我小学那年，我参加了演讲比赛。初时，爸爸对我参加比赛并没有任何表示。只是妈妈偶而会听我的练习。在正式比赛那天，我很紧长，我看到妈妈站在窗边。但是，没看到爸爸。 过不久，我看到爸爸来，他步入礼堂。坐在中间看我。那一刻，我的心安定下来了。我得到了第一名，很开心。爸爸他步行回店里了。我拿着那奖状，递过给爸爸看。 他就看了一眼，然后微笑。我连续4，5，6年级都有参加比赛， 而且，每次得奖我都会拿给爸爸看。 爸爸他其实没有很正式/很直接去鼓励我。他每次就是微笑吧了！

后来，我注意到我拿到的奖状，爸爸都会贴在他身后。每次有售货员来卖货，爸爸都会叫他们看: 这是我女儿拿到的。

还有，我每次画的卡片，爸爸其实都有收好。他也有拿给其他人看，也一样很自豪的说是他女儿画的。

从那时开始， 我知道其实爸爸很为我感到骄傲的。

小学毕业了，爸爸妈妈给我去跟哥哥姐姐在亚庇住。一直读完中学，然后我去了纳闽工作。一去就在那里待了5年。当然，我很常会亚庇的家。也很少回王麻骨了。每次爸爸妈妈知道我有回来，他们就叫哥哥带他们下来亚庇。其实，那时他们每个月都会下来亚庇一两次。

有一次，妈妈在厨房和我说：你爸爸啊，不管多累。知道你回来，他一定会要下来亚庇。叫我煮好吃的给你。

我的心很内疚，很自责。为什么我要让爸爸妈妈那么辛苦？爸爸妈妈年纪那么大了，为什么要让他们那么累？ 那句话，一直在我脑海里打转。后来，我辞职回来亚庇工作。

爸爸妈妈还是一样，住在乡下。没有要和我们在亚庇住。 他们每次叫哥哥截他们下来和我们一起吃饭，然后，每次当天晚上回乡下。 

一直到2011年的1月4日，我在早上接到哥哥的电话，乡下的店被火烧了，爸爸妈妈和哥哥都平安无事。我的心寒了一下。就因为这事故，他们下来亚庇住了。

我们几兄弟姐妹，各别有自己的家。但是，哥哥姐姐们都存有误会。这是让爸爸妈妈最不开心的。我，无能做任何东西。我只有每天带我那两个小宝贝回家和爸爸妈妈吃饭。 这两个小瓜，每次都逗的两老笑哈哈的。

2013年6月27日，早上9:20 左右。突然接到哥哥打电话来，说爸爸突发心脏病，很严重，在急救室里。我整个人发抖，手脚冰冷。我打电话叫姐姐来接我去医院。那时，我的脑海一片空白。眼泪一直流下来， 心里一直祈祷爸爸要好起来。 

来到医院，看到妈妈，哥哥们都在外面等候。那一刻，我真的很空白。一直到医生出来，和我们说爸爸的心跳曾经停过。急救后，现在有会了心跳。但是，爸爸处于昏迷状态。但是，爸爸的情况时好时坏。医生和我们讲要我们有心里准备，爸爸随时会离开的。我们每个人的心都很不好受，很怕爸爸就这样离开。

我们兄弟姐妹轮流看着爸爸，又怕妈妈累坏。 我没有感觉累，我一直祈祷，祈求爸爸平安无事，渡过难关。 

2013年6月29日凌晨，我接到姐姐的电话。说爸爸不能了，赶快来医院。我的眼泪不停流下，希望不是真的。哥哥，妈妈和我赶到医院。姐姐和哥哥说医生在抢救爸爸。我陪着妈妈，和妈妈说无论怎样，我们都要面对。

医生出来，叫我们全部进去。当他对我们说：对不起，你们爸爸的心跳脉搏已经完全停止了。我们全部都跪下来，哭着看着爸爸的样子。我再也忍不住，哭着抱着爸爸的身体，我放不下，我不要，也很难很难接受这事实。

爸爸生前最不希望看到兄弟姐妹不和。那时的我们在爸爸面前，都和爸爸讲我们已经好了。没有心病了。爸爸一生都为我们想，自己不舍得吃好穿好，把好的统统给作为子女的我们。我们在收拾爸爸的遗物时，看见爸爸的衣服，破破烂烂的，裤子也一样。他就是这样，买给他的新衣裤，他都不舍得穿。爸爸面对其他人对他的误解，他不会去解释。他就是那些不多作解释，要让那些误解他的人，自己去发觉， 去明白整件事。

我到今天还是很想念爸爸。我爱你， 爸爸 ！

爸爸，安息！你在天国里，要开开心心的，我们会照顾妈妈。

那一年在圣诞前夕，圣诞树下的我和我亲爱的爸爸。

幸福 ?好远 ！

我的婚姻，不是比100%幸福的。
每次吵架，我都会想要离开，我每次都会问自己，还要忍到什么时候？
是否我对他己经没有爱了吗？
为什么我都想要放弃这婚姻？
孩子怎么办？
家人说：老公是自己选的，不要怨。
我心想：对，是我选的。难道我不能结束它吗?
我真的要忍一世人吗?
为了小孩，我一定要忍， 要多久？
一个不爱你的丈夫，可以维持多久？
一个不爱你的妻子，可以在一起多久？
既然两人都不相爱了，为何还要勉强对方？
因为小孩的关系，唉！
对，小孩是无辜的。
你问我幸福吗？ 我不幸福。
我只在乎我那两个宝贝。

Depressed 21092012

两个人在一起，没有了话题，很冷静。

我开始感觉到，对他，已经没有了爱。而他，对我，也没有了爱。我们还在一起，是因为孩子的关系。

为什么我会这样？ 因为他不够爱我，不会保护我，不会明白我。

在他面前，我无论做什么都是错的。在他家人面前，我永远是很卑贱的人。

我记得当我小孩出世后，因为他爸爸是吸烟的，我阻止他抱孩子，原因，孩子被抱后，身上都是烟味。这对一个婴孩来说是不好的。但是，我被说我不要让公公抱。而我的老公，却认同他家人的想法。

他的弟妹，在和狗猫玩后，拍拍身子，洗洗手后也要抱。我说你们身上有残留那些毛，最好不要抱婴孩。免得那些毛跑进小孩的身体里面。我当然成了：恶人 ！

这只是其中一样罢了。但是，老公他从未帮我解释。导致我和他家人的关系，一天比一天恶略。 

记得有一次，他爸爸就坐在我身旁。我叫了他3次，他没有应我。我很委屈！过了几天，我告诉他，他第一句：那你要检讨你自己。

因为我保护我的孩子，我被欺压。无所谓！

我和他的爱情，变了感情。从感情，变成了责任。现在，变成了没感觉。

我不舒服，没有理会。我有压力，不会过问。我不开心，没有感觉。

他不舒服，我带孩子。他有压力，拿我出气。他不开心，和小孩玩。

我到底做错了什么？？？

到现在，偶尔会听到你发梦，你在叫别人的名字。那是什么？？？

天 ~ 我在做什么？？？ 

Worst Mother's Day for me

13 May 2012

Damn shit .............

Why I am the one to suffer this all kind of unfair things in my life ?

Enough ......... I wish to stop all the thing at this moment ! I hate looking at his face ! Totally a beast to me.

Why I married to this kind of man ?  I must be blind.

Please, if I could have 1 wish ! I wish I never married to this man.

Mine 11052012

11 May 2012

I hope I can have a wish ~ a wish that I can go back to the time I never met him.

From my 1st pregnancy, I have saw the real face of this guy and his family.  They only care about baby and not me.  I been kicked, scolded by him for those minor and totally without any reason things.

Now I have 2 children, and our relationship become worst than ever.  

He never take care or concern about me.  Lucky I still got a job that I can have my own money to spend for myself or kids.  If depends on him than I will sure been scolded all the time.  He is totally not a gentleman !  

I feel happy with 2 kids but honestly I also need some of my private time to release my work pressure.  I only need less than 1 hour but I can't.  

He can play games, watch TV shows, play with his iPad and do anything he want.  He go out twice a week to play badminton with friends at night.  Yes, is a good habit to exercise himself.  But, always come back home after 11pm.  When his boss give him a call, sure he will go out and social again.  

He is at home or not, actually not much difference to me.  Same = no one can help me take care of my kids.  He blame that kids need mama more than papa.  Yes, my kids will call for mama almost for everything.  That make me sometimes feel tired.  But you as a papa, why can't you give some times with your children ?  You rather spare your time on iPad / iPhone / TV ??  You said you want a rest to release tension, then, how about me ?  

We seldom chit chat nowadays ... except talk about the children, we totally nothing to chat at all.  Sad ! 

25。02。2012

25.02.2012

我的心情真的是和现在的天气一样 ~ 很灰 ！ 为什么每次遇到不好得事情， 都怪在我的身上？我真的很讨厌这样子了！我不喜欢这样子 ！

我到底要忍到什么时候？要等到小孩长大了，我才可以离婚吗？ 我发觉自己好像有忧郁症了。为什么要我是最辛苦那个？为什么要我去忍受那些无聊和无耻的脾气？为什么做妈妈就要那么“伟大” ？ 我不要！！！！！！！！！我是人，不是你的出气捅。

我什么都可以不要，我只要我的小孩！

你可以做你喜欢的事，我是不可以的那个。你开心就对我好，你不如意，就对我发脾气。路上堵车，你就讲是我造成的。然后，开始讲我这个那个。。。我好累哦！

如果这世界有神，为什么不会帮我？说什么”迟点会有报应“ 。。。 我呸！已经那么多年了，我还是每天被欺凌那个。

坏人！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！
衰人！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！

21.02.2012 ~ Unhappy marriage life

21.02.2012

Everytime after quarrel with him, I will think of divorce. Some one told me that I should not have that kind of feeling as I am a Christian & was married in front of Our Lord. Another reason is I'm having children, and is not a good example for the young one. But I'm not happy ...

Think back - I was really making a wrong choice that spoil my life. Why I choose the wrong person to accompany me till the end of my life ? 

I'm not a good wife or good mother, but I try to be. 

When I was in pregnant, how he treat me ? gosh ... I was kicked by him due to a very minor thing. I still remember until now. That day, I was preggy around 6 months. My brother came and ask me go for a breakfast. At that moment, he was in sleeping mode due to watching the live soccer match yesterday night. I whispered at his ear that I go out to have breakfast, but I will bring back some for you later. I still remember that time is around 9am. The he replied: "emm".

After 10 minutes later, he called me ... then started to score me. "Why you don't wait for me ? You so hungry is it ? Come back now !" I was shocked. My brother asked me what happen and I said nothing. Then after finish my breakfast, I buy one for him. Reach home, he scored me like I'm brainless. I told him that because I saw you watched live match and I don't know what time you sleep, so, I decided not to wake you up for breakfast. He so angry with me till he scored me with rude words. I am so depressed that time. Am I really wrong ? I said sorry to him but it was unacceptable. I scared and keep asking for forgiveness, and was rejected. Till he kicked me ... gosh ... I was pregnant that time. How come he treat me like that ?

Then he forced me to go back to his home town. I don't want to follow and he just step out.

I cried and feel so hopeless ..... I called my sister and told her what had happened. She was so angry and she immediately came to my house look for me. She came with her husband, and they both very angry with him. He came back after 30 minutes, and he shocked when saw my sister was there waiting for him. My sister asked why he kicked me ? do you know she is pregnant ? what's make you so angry till you kicked her ? Did she killed your parents ?? 

He kept quite ... but never said sorry to me. He packed his stuff and go back to his home town. I was heart broken !

That was the first incident but totally broke my heart with him. Even few years later, I was pregnant again but my love with him is close to fade ... 

I told myself, I got 2 child and that is enough for me. Even I might divorce with him one day, I still have my 2 children. There is a lot of bad memories that make me feel sick with him. I don't love him any more. He is my child's father, not my husband. 

Close to 14 years I know this person but his real face only show up last few years. I can said is after married with him, his real face slowly came out and until now ... feel bad with him. I'm totally regret to marry with this guy.

Have you ever see a couple that have nothing to chat even sit inside a car ?

Did you prefer to have breakfast alone ?

Conversation between a wife and a husband only last for 5 minutes ??

Everytime talk about money, he sure will said I don't have extra money, if you want you buy yourself

Blame you for traffic jam ?? come on, is not in my control isn't it ??

If you forget to bring out certain items, he will show you the angry face and said something bad to you ?

But if he forget, you cannot blame him. If you do blame him, you will get hurt by his rude words.

When he got intention to buy new thing, he will ask you to buy the old thing from him ... So that he can have money to buy thing.

When you sick, you still have to take care children ! You cannot have a rest and you will heard some heart broken words if rest too long.

Honestly, I'm tired with all of these ...... I want to quit this marriage life but I can't. I have 2 child and I have to think of their feeling. 

I pray to Lord for helping me ... make me stronger in both physical & mental. I hope Lord help to strengthen my financial way. I need a stable and good pay job. I wish my employer notice my hard work and increase my salary from time to time. I wan't to be financial independent and not rely on him.